Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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