The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
it's like iHOP with fire
He passed out mid-signature
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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