Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
