Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just gift wrapped bread.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
