An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
