My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
