i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I take back everything I said about communal showers
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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