Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
