Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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