God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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