After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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