If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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