in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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