I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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