It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
