I think I just saw someone hide a body.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
