i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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