Cold hands, warm shart.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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