I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
