it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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