I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
