i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
