i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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