She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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