I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
