I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
