you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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