I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Still dying that you shit outside
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
