I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
