woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
