I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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