just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
