I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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