did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
