So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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