Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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