I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
