I met the friendliest cop last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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