And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
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Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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