Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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