Who wears a wallet chain?!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
