I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My feet surprised me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
