I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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