Don't make out with my wife yet
Your dad touched me again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
