Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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