And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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