When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
