fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
