If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
