I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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