Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize