If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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