I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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