Apparently you make a good broom.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
