I hate all girls vehemently.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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