it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
